My confession...

I'll admit it. I'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. Don't get me wrong, I respect every mom out there for the choices they make in their lives, mostly because I know that those choices are made not for them, but for their children. I don't begrudge stay-at-home moms, in fact, I revere them. I revere them because sometimes I think they are greater women than me, because I know, deep in my heart, that I could not do it. I am weak and need the break that work (and daycare) give me. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I was home for 3 straight days with the kid...alone. M had to work most of the weekend, so it was all about the kid and me. I'm not going to lie, it was tough. In fact, I couldn't WAIT to get back to work on Monday. This sounds horrible and I feel so guilty about it, but it's the honest truth. It's not that I don't love being with my son. It's just that it's so much work. SO MUCH WORK. Moreso than the hardest thing I ever have to do at my job. This is why I bow down to the much under-appreciated stay-at-home mom. Keep on keepin' on, mamas.

So there are days when I drop the kid off at daycare in the morning with a big hug and a kiss and a "buh-bye honey, mommy loves you!". But then there are days, like this morning, when the heartstrings are pulled and the guilt hits you like a tsunami. The kid has recently taken to singing "This Old Man." He loves it. This morning on the car ride to school, he's singing "This Old Man" in the backseat. So I start singing along with him. He stops suddenly and tells me, "No mommy! Amy helps me sing." Amy is his primary caregiver in his classroom. He loves her, which is great, but even better...he actually listens and obeys her. So he wouldn't sing "This Old Man" with mommy...he wanted to sing it with Amy. Then when we get to school, the kid runs off and starts playing with the toys and his friends in the playyard. He's happy as a clam. As I'm giving Amy a run-down of last night and this morning, the kid runs up to me and tells me, "Ok, bye-bye mommy!" Then he waves his hand and starts pushing my legs so I will leave the yard. I laughed it off, but when I got back in my car to drive to work, I practically lost it. Sigh. Somedays it's ok. And I do mean ok because it's never easy. It's never fu*king easy. But sometimes, it's REALLY hard.