To my son...

on the occasion of your THIRD birthday:

Ok, ok so I'm late writing this. You turned three about 2 1/2 weeks ago. But get used to it...this is how mommy rolls. Not that you are not the foremost in my thoughts in any given waking moment of my life, it's just getting those thoughts typed or written out takes some time for me. Trust me, it will happen to you as well.

So this is going to be long. Pull up a seat. Maybe don't read this all at once, read it in small chunks. Mama's got a lot to say.

I can hardly believe that it's been THREE years since you came into this world and changed it forever. And you did. You changed it forever. Just by being here. Just by being you. I know that sometimes in life, in this great big world, we might feel insignificant. Please know that you are not. I will promise to teach you that you are not. I mean, don't get me wrong...understand that while you are the center of my universe, you're really not going to be the center of EVERYONE'S universe, but that's ok. You still make an impact. On everyone you meet. Remember that...and make every encounter count.

Ok, enough with the sage advice for now...back to the nostalgia. Three years ago (give or take a couple of weeks) I was a different person. Your dad was a different person. Suddenly, we had this tiny human being thrust into our arms...and we were freaked out. I mean, really, as much as we had thought we prepared, we weren't prepared. We had the crib set up, the clothes washed, the diapers lined up on the changing table. We had the car seat installed, we had the room decorated, we had the diaper bag packed. But we were FAR from prepared.

You came into this world with fight in you. Did you want to leave the safety and comfort of mama's womb? No way. It took me almost 3 hours to push you out. I NEED to add here that the 3 hours of pushing was WITH MY EPIDURAL TURNED OFF. But, I digress, no need to wax nostalgic about that part.

Regardless, you came. And while we didn't know if you were going to be a boy or a girl beforehand, when the doctor told me that you were a boy, it was like he was telling me that I was in a hospital. I almost blurted out, "No shit." (remember, I had no epidural and was still in significant amounts of pain - so don't hold the cursing against me.) You know why? Because I already KNEW you. I knew you because you lived inside of me. I knew you because you were a part of me. And just because you were (and still are) now living outside of me doesn't mean that you are not as connected and as much a part of me as you were back then. Son, I know you, I feel you, I feel your feelings 100X more than you feel them. When I look at you and you're feeling sad, my heart is smattered into pieces for you. When I know that you're frustrated and angry, it takes every fiber in my being not to just make things right for you. Please understand that if I could, I would feel EVERY bad feeling for you, so you wouldn't have to feel it. But as it is, the hardest part about being a parent is to sit back and let your kids feel and just learn life.

Those first few days were crazy. Your dad and I could barely believe that we were responsible for this tiny human being. I won't say there weren't stumbling blocks, but we figured it out - for the most part. But you taught us a lot. You exuded your personality from the beginning. You hated being swaddled...you hated being buckled in the car seat...you hated anything that would restrict your freedom. Yes, you've been fiercely independent from the get-go. You had to see things and do things, you were not content to just sit and rest or (heaven forbid!) sleep. Especially if there were things to do and stuff to see.

But as independent as your spirit is, you still want your cuddles. You loved sleeping not next to, not near, but ON TOP of mommy and daddy. You loved being right next to mommy while she was walking around...baby carriers were some of our best investments. But the caveat? You had to be facing the world. You had to be seeing stuff. None of this face buried in mommy's chest and falling asleep stuff...you had to be looking around and seeing what was going on...taking it ALL in. Three years later you're still that way. You want to be independent and act like you can do it all on your own...but when it comes down to it, you want to just climb up into mommy and daddy's arms. And that's fine by me. You know it's the safest place in the world.

But because you are a mover and a shaker...you definitely honed your gross motor skills to serve you best. You pulled up in your crib at 4 1/2 months old! I walked into your room and almost fainted. Then at 5 months, you were crawling and crawling fast! Too fast for mommy. The rest...well, let's just say that you're a VERY active child. Rare is the time when you are sitting still. The only times I can get you to sit in one place is when you are reading books - which you absolutely LOVE or using the computer - which, you're gonna have to show daddy a couple of tricks on. Kid, you never cease to amaze me. Your capacity for learning astounds me. You are a total sponge. Which has it's good and bad qualities. Mommy and Daddy have to be VERY CAREFUL of what they say nowadays.

In all of this independence, though, I always see a kindness in you. You love being around people. You are so sweet and gentle with your cousins. Your face lights up with pure joy when you see your Lolo & Lola, Papa & Nanny, Ninang, and, on occasion, your parents. With us and with your friends at daycare, you give and share...you are incredibly social and rarely shy. I love that I see a smile on your face 95% of the time. Because your smile can light up a room. It's infectious - and you willingly and happily spread love whereever you are. There is nothing I enjoy more than seeing the world through your eyes...because the joy you find in things is absolute and unadulterated. And all you want to do is share that. Remember that feeling as you go through life.

In three years we've learned so much together! Mostly, we've learned to expect the unexpected. To let go of convention and to just roll with the flow. You've taught mommy and daddy to never underestimate you...because really, trying to keep one step ahead of you is a herculean task. So really, we're faking it. You're still young enough that we can fool you with that. I fear the day you figure it all out...or that you are old enough to read this.

At three years old, you are still the precocious, independent, affectionate and benevolent person you've always been. You love Thomas the Train...seriously, how does a toddler recall every single train's name and look just by seeing it once? You love using the computer and playing games on noggin.com and playhousedisney.com. You know, I only showed you once or twice how to use the mouse. But after seeing me do it, you know to hop up on the computer chair, launch the internet browser by clicking on the icon, use the dropdown menu to access your bookmarks, and click on the website of your choice. Color us impressed. You navigate youtube.com looking for videos of your favorite disney rides. Although, your obsession with watching the roller coaster rides strikes fear in a mother's heart.

So three years have gone by. My goodness, three years. Three years of laughter, tears, snuggles, giggles, some yelling, some frustration, but lots and lots of love. More love than I could have ever dreamt possible. In you, son, I see my heart living outside of my body. And when you look up at me with those big, brown eyes, I know the reason for my very existence here on earth. I know how important my role is on this earth. And you've changed me. You've changed my habits, my ideals, my very soul.

Your dad and I have loved every minute. Lemme tell you, there are times when one would think we weren't loving it. But we are. We most definitely are. You bring a warmth and light into our lives that we didn't even know we were missing, but we couldn't imagine life any other way. In fact, in three short years, it's hard to remember life before you came into this world. It may have been a little more calm and controlled, but it most certainly wasn't any better. Sure, life is more hectic and more harried now. But we wouldn't change a thing. Our eyes may be weary from lack of sleep, our backs may be tired from chasing you around, but our hearts are full. And that's all we actually feel.

I cannot wait to see you as a big brother. Your baby brother is due in about 2 months. You don't realize it yet, but your life is gonna change forever, buddy. For the better, I promise, even though it won't feel like it. I must admit that I'm feeling a bit guilty about it. Knowing that you'll have to share mommy and daddy now. It won't be just the three of us anymore...our family is growing. But again, I know you...and I know you will love your little brother with a complete heart. That's just who you are.

I know this has been long-winded. But even as I look back on it, I don't think I captured the love, the pride, and the joy I feel because of you, my son. It's impossible to put that feeling into words...at least for me (although, you're probably thinking I've put down PLENTY of words at this point). Look, bottom line, we love you. We just do. So much. Can't say it better than that.

Happy Third Birthday, baby.

Love, Mom